Failure

Sometimes I still feel like crying, a lot.  I can control it now, but I don't always want to.  Sometimes I just want to sit in a quiet corner and cry and pour my heart out to my LORD, my heavenly Father.  I don't think it is the SAD, I think it is grief.  Grief over what I have lost.  Grief over my failure.  In fact, I feel like a failure.  I feel like I not only let myself down, but a lot of other people as well.  Now in my head, I know it wasn't all me, but in my heart I feel it is true.  Yes there are some things I should have done and said differently many months ago, but choices were made for me that I had no control over.  Even if I had said things differently the events would have still taken place.  I had no control over that.  So, why do I internalize it and turn all back on me.  That I don't understand.

Every day I am reminded about my failure.  Every day I see someone else doing what I love to do.  Every day more and more is taken from me.  Every day the voices in my head get louder, telling me I'm worthless, I'm a failure.  My heart breaks because I lost what I loved and was passionate about. BUT, all that self-talk, those voices in my head are lying to me.  I am NOT worthless.  I am NOT a failure.  My Father tells me I am fearfully and wonderfully made, that I am made in His image.  Hebrews 2: 6-7 says, "But one in a certain place testified saying, what is man, that thou art mindful of him? or the son of man that thou visitist him? (7) Thou hast made him a little lower than the angels; thou crownedst him with glory and honour, and did set him over the works of thy hands".  How can I be worthless or a failure if God did that for me?

In Romans 8:28 tells me, "and we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose".  There is a reason this mess happened, several reasons, and me being a failure isn't one of them.  I may have failed to listen to God as well as I should have, but we have become even closer as I cling to Him for comfort and strength.  And He does comfort me.  Through His word, through songs, through this beautiful place I live, He comforts me.  

Through this situation that I have been placed in, God has been faithful.  He has shown me small things that are really quite amazing when you think about them, like this next picture.

Believe it or not this is a snail trail.  Who knew snails were musical, God does.  This helps me see that God is in control.  He cares for me.  He LOVES me.  He loves ME.  So, that means I need to stifle those nasty voices in my head, which isn't easy.  We have, after all, been together for a very long time.  But I need to listen to God's voice, follow His lead, wherever it takes me, because that is going to be the most awesome journey I will ever take.

Father,
I love You so much.  You make my heart so full.  How marvelous are Your works.  Thank You for showing me these small things.  Thank You for lightening my heart.  Thank You for loving Me, even when I am unloveable.  Father, direct my every step to walk on Your path.  Guide my heart.  Renew Your Holy Spirit in me each day.  Father, help me to stop listening to the wrong voices.  Please help me to not only believe in You, but believe You.  I praise Your Holy Name.

In Jesus Name,
Amen