He Leads, I Follow

 

This! This is where I am right now. 

I have been a believer and follower of Jesus for a very long time, since I was 16 and let's just say I'm a long way from 16 now. I have trusted God through some pretty rough times throughout my life but this past year has been the hardest.

As you know, my husband passed away about a year ago and that is one HUGE change I wasn't ready to make. In fact, let's say I have been struggling with God about that one. I mean, we were married for 35 years. I was looking forward to him retiring and spending more time with him and enjoying each other. Now, I'm alone. I miss him. 

Anyway, back to this passage in Psalm 143. Let's start in verse 7, 

Answer me speedily, O LORD;

My spirit fails!

Do not hide Your face from me,

Lest I be like those who go down into the pit.

This has been my prayer for a year. A YEAR! And truthfully a lot of this year I have felt like God was hiding His face from me. I know you can't trust your feelings and He has been here with me the whole time, but I have been teetering on the edge of the pit, crying out to my Father, my God, my Rescuer, my Saviour.

Verse 8,

Cause me to hear Your lovingkindness in the morning,

For in You do I trust. 

Cause me to know the way in which I should walk,

For I lift up my soul to You.

I have made it a practice for years to spend time in God's word daily, in the morning. I do this because it starts my day off right. I am reading God's word and hearing from Him and I am spending time in prayer telling Him what is on my heart and asking for His guidance and leading through my day. This past year, even though I felt far away from God, I felt it was more important than ever to spend this time with Him. It hasn't been easy either. With having to go back to work and help take care of my grandson, I have to get up earlier and plan my time out better. Without this time at the beginning of my day though, I would be lost and unable to function. So everyday I open my Bible and read God's precious words to me, I have spent a lot of time in Psalms because they speak my heart, and I offer myself to God to use and lead as He sees fit. I also seek His strength.

Which brings us to verse 9 and 10,

Deliver me, O LORD, from my enemies;

In You I take shelter.

Teach me to do Your will, For You are my God,

Your Spirit is good.

Lead me in the land of uprightness.

I don't really have any physical enemies but Satan has been attacking me spiritually and every which way, so he is the enemy I seek deliverance from. Everyday I reach out to God and ask Him to take care of me and protect me. I want to do His will. I don't want to be that depressed, sad sack person who no one wants to be around. I want people to see Jesus in me. God's spirit is good. He has been leading me. I thank Him daily for His Son, who died on the cross for my sins, even though I was so unworthy. God sustains me. He fills me with His strength everyday so that I can get out of bed because I am broken and have no strength of my own. Without God, I wouldn't have made it through this year because let's face it, it has been a crazy, change-filled year that has been extremely hard to navigate alone. Thankfully I am not alone because I have Jesus.

Now the last two verses, 11 and 12,

Revive me, O Lord, for Your name's sake! 

For Your righteousness' sake bring my soul out of trouble.

In Your mercy cut off my enemies,

And destroy all those who afflict my soul;

For I am Your servant.

I do ask to be revived for His name's sake. I ask every day for relief and the enemy to be defeated because I am His servant. Let me get real here, I have struggled tremendously this past year with the path I am on. I have begged God to change the things that have happened and are happening. I have felt crushed and defeated. I have just wanted to give up. But every day I wake up and grab my Bible and seek God. I seek His will. I seek His strength because I don't have any. He is what gets me out of bed every morning. He is what gets me out of the house every day. He is what gets me through the day at work. I cannot do it without God.

I know this is very introspective, but I also think about others. There have been others who have lost their spouses or children or house or job or a combination of any of these. I lift them up to God because He is the only one who can ease their pain and strengthen them. I know my situation could be worse and I am so thankful it is not. I, like all those other hurting people, am ready for a break. For some good days. Some stress free days. A day where we can feel God's strength and know everything is going to be okay because God is there beside us. But even if this day doesn't come soon, I WILL follow my God.

Beth

 

CHANGE

Change. Normally I like change. The changes over the last year...I don't like. To catch you up, last spring my husband was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. That was earth shattering and brought a lot of changes. I had to go back to work, my grandson had to go into childcare/preschool full time, and we, or course, wanted to spend as much time with my husband as possible. Then in September, September 7th to be exact, we said goodbye to my husband. It has been rough. We miss him more than words can say, but he is now healed and with Jesus.

So, things were moving along and then the coronavirus hit. Wow! Talk about stressful. I work in a preschool/childcare center. One day we are business as usual and then boom, very few children at school. We didn't know if we were going to be able to stay open. I am now my only source of income so this was so scary. Then of course the shutdown of the state came. My boss was on top of things and we were declared an emergency childcare center. A lot of our teachers took a furlough but I was able to stay. There were changes it seemed like daily. Even how we did childcare/preschool changed. We stayed open, but a lot of changes. I am beginning to not really like change. 

Throughout all this craziness I have felt like I should move back to Montana. With my husband gone my sense of home has gone. We had plans and this was our home, together. I have my kids, but Kenny was my best friend. As long as he was with me I really didn't care where we were. He was my home. So, I am going back to really simple living, homesteading as it were right here where I am. I have always wanted to do this, not always where I lived. When we moved from the farm we chose to live in town but we still kept it pretty simple, but it wasn't the same as in the country. We even thought about moving to the country quite a few times. The close friends we have chosen or been lead to have always lived in the country, so we kind of lived vicariously through them. Now, I want to go back to living in the country, raising animals, and keeping it simple. It is calling me. My mom, dad, brother, sis-in-law and nephew live there and a bit more family. I am feeling more of a connection there than here. So we will see where God leads in this.

Now, those who read this blog know I am a follower of Christ. I seek God for guidance. I trust God to be my help. He has helped me. He has brought me through the death of my husband, going back to work, the coronavirus, and keeping the preschool open. He has been there every second. I feel like He is leading me back to Montana, but slowly. I am not just packing up and heading out. My daughter wants to go as well. She has to finish college. My son wants to go and he has to get some things finished up. We need to do a little upkeep on the house so we can sell it. I like to charge in and go, but right now God is saying wait. So I will wait and trust and believe that if God leads me to Montana or to stay here He will be with me every moment and will do what is best for me.

So, I am taking up this blog again. It may be changing some. I will still be talking about my faith and growth in Christ and for now the Umpqua Valley, but this will also include things on homesteading from my urban homestead and eventually, possibly my country homestead. I will be sharing what I know and teaching and sharing what I am learning because even though my husband and I homesteaded for a long time, there were some things we didn't do or know how to do that I am learning to do. Boy, that is a lot of do's, but that is what I am going to do...do! So, you can find me on Facebook and Instagram as Simply Milk-n-Honey and my daughter and I are going to start a YouTube channel so we can document our journey and share what we know with others.

Change...it is exciting, scary, heartbreaking at times, sometimes fast and sometimes slow. It happens, every day whether we want it to or not, but one thing is true...God never changes. He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow and I will trust in that.

                                                                       Blessings,

                                                                        Beth

Forgiveness

Why is it that forgiveness is so hard? I always feel better when I forgive, yet, I tend to hang on to the anger, resentment, and bitterness.  Why?  Who am I making feel bad?  It usually isn't  the person who has hurt me.  It is me that is miserable.  So I ask, why?  Is it because the anger helps mask the ache in my heart and helps me get through my day?  Maybe.  It does seem to fuel me.

God has laid this post on my heart because, you guessed it, I am harboring unforgiveness in my heart. I have been hurt so I want to lash out or do something for revenge.  Yet, God's sweet voice keeps whispering in my ear, "Beth, I forgave you for a lot worse hurts than what you have suffered".  Wow. My toes have been stepped on.

I have been going to a Bible study with some co-workers and our study for this week was on patience and the part it plays in forgiveness.  There was some major conviction going on there.  In fact, writing a post and what to write about forgiveness popped into my mind.  Then I thought, but I don't want to forgive.  I want to be angry.  I don't want to write about it.  Why, because then I would have to deal with the unforgiveness.  God is tricky that way.  So, I decided I would write about something else.  My mind was absolutely blank, except for the word forgiveness.

As I am writing this my heart feels like it is going to burst under the conviction and my eyes are brimming with tears.  The parable of the unforgiving servant in Matthew 18:21-35 (NIV) comes to mind:

21.  Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me?  Up to seven times?  22.  Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.  23.  "Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants.  24.  As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand bags of gold was brought to him.  25.  Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.  26.  "At this the servant fell on his knees before him. 'Be patient with me,' he begged, 'and I will pay back everything.'  27.  The servant's master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.  28.  "But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred silver coins.  he grabbed him and began to choke him.  'Pay back what you owe me!' he demanded.  29.  "His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, 'Be patient with me, and I will pay it back."  30.  "But he refused.  Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt.  31.  When the other servants saw what had happened, they were outraged and went and told their master everything that had happened.  32.  "Then the master called the servant in. 'You wicked servant,' he said, 'I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to.  33.  Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you.  34.  In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.  35.  "This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart."

Now I don't know about you, but I sure don't want to be tortured, which is what happens to us when we don't forgive.  Not forgiving has an impact on our body.  In an interview with Dr. Fred Luskin (who did a study on forgiveness) on PBS he states, "People are starting to understand that forgiveness can help your physical health as well."  Dr. Luskin also gives a definition of forgiveness, "that to forgive is to give up all hope for a better past".  Dr. Luskin also states, "Forgiveness allows you a fresh start, whether it's a big  insult or a small one.  It's like a rain coming to a polluted environment. It clears things".  Now I like that.  

I know for me being angry all the time doesn't make me feel good.  It gets those stress hormones going, the adrenaline pumping, which isn't good for our bodies either.  So, I guess I will have to take care of some business, sooner rather than later.

How about you?  Are you needing to forgive someone?  Would you like that peace and joy that only God can give back?  Let's pray:

Gracious Heavenly Father,

You have been so merciful to me to forgive me of all my sins.  You sent your Son to die for me.  That makes the forgiveness I received from you very costly.  Father, I confess that I hold unforgiveness in my heart.  I don't want it there, but I am so weak.  Father, help me to have a forgiving and merciful spirit.  Help me to forgive and move on.  Thank you Father for your mercy and grace.

In Jesus' precious Holy Name,

Amen.