He Leads, I Follow

 

This! This is where I am right now. 

I have been a believer and follower of Jesus for a very long time, since I was 16 and let's just say I'm a long way from 16 now. I have trusted God through some pretty rough times throughout my life but this past year has been the hardest.

As you know, my husband passed away about a year ago and that is one HUGE change I wasn't ready to make. In fact, let's say I have been struggling with God about that one. I mean, we were married for 35 years. I was looking forward to him retiring and spending more time with him and enjoying each other. Now, I'm alone. I miss him. 

Anyway, back to this passage in Psalm 143. Let's start in verse 7, 

Answer me speedily, O LORD;

My spirit fails!

Do not hide Your face from me,

Lest I be like those who go down into the pit.

This has been my prayer for a year. A YEAR! And truthfully a lot of this year I have felt like God was hiding His face from me. I know you can't trust your feelings and He has been here with me the whole time, but I have been teetering on the edge of the pit, crying out to my Father, my God, my Rescuer, my Saviour.

Verse 8,

Cause me to hear Your lovingkindness in the morning,

For in You do I trust. 

Cause me to know the way in which I should walk,

For I lift up my soul to You.

I have made it a practice for years to spend time in God's word daily, in the morning. I do this because it starts my day off right. I am reading God's word and hearing from Him and I am spending time in prayer telling Him what is on my heart and asking for His guidance and leading through my day. This past year, even though I felt far away from God, I felt it was more important than ever to spend this time with Him. It hasn't been easy either. With having to go back to work and help take care of my grandson, I have to get up earlier and plan my time out better. Without this time at the beginning of my day though, I would be lost and unable to function. So everyday I open my Bible and read God's precious words to me, I have spent a lot of time in Psalms because they speak my heart, and I offer myself to God to use and lead as He sees fit. I also seek His strength.

Which brings us to verse 9 and 10,

Deliver me, O LORD, from my enemies;

In You I take shelter.

Teach me to do Your will, For You are my God,

Your Spirit is good.

Lead me in the land of uprightness.

I don't really have any physical enemies but Satan has been attacking me spiritually and every which way, so he is the enemy I seek deliverance from. Everyday I reach out to God and ask Him to take care of me and protect me. I want to do His will. I don't want to be that depressed, sad sack person who no one wants to be around. I want people to see Jesus in me. God's spirit is good. He has been leading me. I thank Him daily for His Son, who died on the cross for my sins, even though I was so unworthy. God sustains me. He fills me with His strength everyday so that I can get out of bed because I am broken and have no strength of my own. Without God, I wouldn't have made it through this year because let's face it, it has been a crazy, change-filled year that has been extremely hard to navigate alone. Thankfully I am not alone because I have Jesus.

Now the last two verses, 11 and 12,

Revive me, O Lord, for Your name's sake! 

For Your righteousness' sake bring my soul out of trouble.

In Your mercy cut off my enemies,

And destroy all those who afflict my soul;

For I am Your servant.

I do ask to be revived for His name's sake. I ask every day for relief and the enemy to be defeated because I am His servant. Let me get real here, I have struggled tremendously this past year with the path I am on. I have begged God to change the things that have happened and are happening. I have felt crushed and defeated. I have just wanted to give up. But every day I wake up and grab my Bible and seek God. I seek His will. I seek His strength because I don't have any. He is what gets me out of bed every morning. He is what gets me out of the house every day. He is what gets me through the day at work. I cannot do it without God.

I know this is very introspective, but I also think about others. There have been others who have lost their spouses or children or house or job or a combination of any of these. I lift them up to God because He is the only one who can ease their pain and strengthen them. I know my situation could be worse and I am so thankful it is not. I, like all those other hurting people, am ready for a break. For some good days. Some stress free days. A day where we can feel God's strength and know everything is going to be okay because God is there beside us. But even if this day doesn't come soon, I WILL follow my God.

Beth

 

CHANGE

Change. Normally I like change. The changes over the last year...I don't like. To catch you up, last spring my husband was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. That was earth shattering and brought a lot of changes. I had to go back to work, my grandson had to go into childcare/preschool full time, and we, or course, wanted to spend as much time with my husband as possible. Then in September, September 7th to be exact, we said goodbye to my husband. It has been rough. We miss him more than words can say, but he is now healed and with Jesus.

So, things were moving along and then the coronavirus hit. Wow! Talk about stressful. I work in a preschool/childcare center. One day we are business as usual and then boom, very few children at school. We didn't know if we were going to be able to stay open. I am now my only source of income so this was so scary. Then of course the shutdown of the state came. My boss was on top of things and we were declared an emergency childcare center. A lot of our teachers took a furlough but I was able to stay. There were changes it seemed like daily. Even how we did childcare/preschool changed. We stayed open, but a lot of changes. I am beginning to not really like change. 

Throughout all this craziness I have felt like I should move back to Montana. With my husband gone my sense of home has gone. We had plans and this was our home, together. I have my kids, but Kenny was my best friend. As long as he was with me I really didn't care where we were. He was my home. So, I am going back to really simple living, homesteading as it were right here where I am. I have always wanted to do this, not always where I lived. When we moved from the farm we chose to live in town but we still kept it pretty simple, but it wasn't the same as in the country. We even thought about moving to the country quite a few times. The close friends we have chosen or been lead to have always lived in the country, so we kind of lived vicariously through them. Now, I want to go back to living in the country, raising animals, and keeping it simple. It is calling me. My mom, dad, brother, sis-in-law and nephew live there and a bit more family. I am feeling more of a connection there than here. So we will see where God leads in this.

Now, those who read this blog know I am a follower of Christ. I seek God for guidance. I trust God to be my help. He has helped me. He has brought me through the death of my husband, going back to work, the coronavirus, and keeping the preschool open. He has been there every second. I feel like He is leading me back to Montana, but slowly. I am not just packing up and heading out. My daughter wants to go as well. She has to finish college. My son wants to go and he has to get some things finished up. We need to do a little upkeep on the house so we can sell it. I like to charge in and go, but right now God is saying wait. So I will wait and trust and believe that if God leads me to Montana or to stay here He will be with me every moment and will do what is best for me.

So, I am taking up this blog again. It may be changing some. I will still be talking about my faith and growth in Christ and for now the Umpqua Valley, but this will also include things on homesteading from my urban homestead and eventually, possibly my country homestead. I will be sharing what I know and teaching and sharing what I am learning because even though my husband and I homesteaded for a long time, there were some things we didn't do or know how to do that I am learning to do. Boy, that is a lot of do's, but that is what I am going to do...do! So, you can find me on Facebook and Instagram as Simply Milk-n-Honey and my daughter and I are going to start a YouTube channel so we can document our journey and share what we know with others.

Change...it is exciting, scary, heartbreaking at times, sometimes fast and sometimes slow. It happens, every day whether we want it to or not, but one thing is true...God never changes. He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow and I will trust in that.

                                                                       Blessings,

                                                                        Beth

Failure

Sometimes I still feel like crying, a lot.  I can control it now, but I don't always want to.  Sometimes I just want to sit in a quiet corner and cry and pour my heart out to my LORD, my heavenly Father.  I don't think it is the SAD, I think it is grief.  Grief over what I have lost.  Grief over my failure.  In fact, I feel like a failure.  I feel like I not only let myself down, but a lot of other people as well.  Now in my head, I know it wasn't all me, but in my heart I feel it is true.  Yes there are some things I should have done and said differently many months ago, but choices were made for me that I had no control over.  Even if I had said things differently the events would have still taken place.  I had no control over that.  So, why do I internalize it and turn all back on me.  That I don't understand.

Every day I am reminded about my failure.  Every day I see someone else doing what I love to do.  Every day more and more is taken from me.  Every day the voices in my head get louder, telling me I'm worthless, I'm a failure.  My heart breaks because I lost what I loved and was passionate about. BUT, all that self-talk, those voices in my head are lying to me.  I am NOT worthless.  I am NOT a failure.  My Father tells me I am fearfully and wonderfully made, that I am made in His image.  Hebrews 2: 6-7 says, "But one in a certain place testified saying, what is man, that thou art mindful of him? or the son of man that thou visitist him? (7) Thou hast made him a little lower than the angels; thou crownedst him with glory and honour, and did set him over the works of thy hands".  How can I be worthless or a failure if God did that for me?

In Romans 8:28 tells me, "and we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose".  There is a reason this mess happened, several reasons, and me being a failure isn't one of them.  I may have failed to listen to God as well as I should have, but we have become even closer as I cling to Him for comfort and strength.  And He does comfort me.  Through His word, through songs, through this beautiful place I live, He comforts me.  

Through this situation that I have been placed in, God has been faithful.  He has shown me small things that are really quite amazing when you think about them, like this next picture.

Believe it or not this is a snail trail.  Who knew snails were musical, God does.  This helps me see that God is in control.  He cares for me.  He LOVES me.  He loves ME.  So, that means I need to stifle those nasty voices in my head, which isn't easy.  We have, after all, been together for a very long time.  But I need to listen to God's voice, follow His lead, wherever it takes me, because that is going to be the most awesome journey I will ever take.

Father,
I love You so much.  You make my heart so full.  How marvelous are Your works.  Thank You for showing me these small things.  Thank You for lightening my heart.  Thank You for loving Me, even when I am unloveable.  Father, direct my every step to walk on Your path.  Guide my heart.  Renew Your Holy Spirit in me each day.  Father, help me to stop listening to the wrong voices.  Please help me to not only believe in You, but believe You.  I praise Your Holy Name.

In Jesus Name,
Amen

Positives

Recently someone wrote five positives about me.  They are smart, loves learning, courageous, strong, and logical. I haven't decided how I feel about them yet.  Weird huh?  I mean who wouldn't like to be thought of as smart, loves to learn, courageous, strong, and logical?  Maybe they would seem more like positives and a compliment if that is how I felt about myself.  Let's take a look and compare:

Smart:  Well, a smart alec maybe.  I know a lot of stuff, but it is just stuff.  I have knowledge, but what I need and desire is wisdom.  Proverbs 1:7, "The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and discipline".  Proverbs 3:7, "Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and shun evil".  James 3:17, "But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.  I may have knowledge (or be smart) but I need wisdom to know what to do with it.  The Bible tells me in James 1:5, "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask of God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given him.  Thank you Father.

Loves to learn:  Well, yes I do.  I like to be prepared.  Sometimes I just like to know things.  Again, this builds knowledge, but I still need wisdom.

Strong:  This is not the first person to tell me this.  In fact a couple months ago a dear lady I know told me how strong she always thought I was (as she held me while I sobbed in her arms).  It has been a rough season in a lot of ways.  The way I see it, I put on a good show.  I am strong willed, which is entirely different.  Most of the time I just want to curl up and cry.  I like to avoid things.  But, Jesus tells me in Isaiah 40:29, "He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak".  Psalm 119:28, "My soul is weary with sorrow, strengthen me according to Your word".  Isaiah 40:30-31, "Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint.  One last one, Habakkuk 3:19, "The sovereign LORD is my strength, He makes my feet like the deer, He enables me to go on the heights".  I love how God's word makes me feel.

Courageous:  Oh my, I am anything but courageous.  Inside, I'm terrified.  I'm afraid I'm going to fail at whatever I try to do.  I'm afraid to be alone, but also afraid of people.  I'm terrified to let anyone know the real me, to know how needy and imperfect I am.  My main verse to get me out my door and through the day is, Philippians 4:13, "I can do all things through Christ, who gives me strength.  It is only through Christ that I can even let anybody see this much of the real me.

 Logical:  I don't know where that one came from, but I'm about as logical as a 4 year old.  I have learned some logic and to try to think through things, but mostly I'm a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kinda gal.  I'm spontaneous, a fliberty-gibbit, mind-changing women.

I still haven't decided for sure how to take this, they are all good things, but it just shows how little this person really knows me.  How little of a relationship we really have.  It is sad really that I haven't gotten so good at hiding me that someone who I see every day hasn't even scratched the surface of who I really am.

Oh, I will keep working on things.  Trusting God.  Growing in Him.  I will also take comfort in the knowledge that God knows exactly who I am, how weak I am, how scared I am, how flightly I am, how unwise I am (even though I have some knowledge, it is all fluff).  Since I do love to learn, I will learn to trust Him more and learn to depend on Him more.

Father,
I thank you for making me, me.  I know I have a long ways to go and a lot to learn, but I put my life in Your hands and trust You will teach me and give me wisdom, strength, and courage.

In Jesus Name,
Amen

Fortress

I admit it, I'm a mess.  I try to keep it all together.  I read my Bible.  I pray.  But, still I'm a mess.

Sometimes everything inside is just a big jumble of contradictions.  I want to obey God, but I mess up so much.  It is like it says in Romans 7:19, "For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do--this I keep doing". (NIV)

Remember the other day when I talked about forgiveness, well, I am struggling.  I say I have forgiven this person but I keep plotting revenge.  When I prayed and confessed the unforgiveness I felt such a peace and a release.  Next day I'm trying to figure out to get back at this person, how to inflict the most damage.  Me oh my.

I don't know about you, but this conflict going on inside is very uncomfortable.  I don't like being angry all the time, it makes my blood pressure go up (literally).  I just want to be done.  Move on. Get over it.  Easier said than done.

So what am I going to do about it?  Pray, pray, pray, and pray some more.  I need to realize just how hurt I was and give that hurt to Jesus.  Psalm 62 jumped out at me today as I was doing some reading,



Psalm 62
For the director of music. For Jeduthun. A psalm of David.


1 Truly my soul finds rest in God;
    my salvation comes from him.

2 Truly he is my rock and my salvation;
    he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.

3 How long will you assault me?
   Would all of you throw me down—
   this leaning wall, this tottering fence?

4 Surely they intend to topple me
   from my lofty place;
   they take delight in lies.
   With their mouths they bless,
   but in their hearts they curse.

5 Yes, my soul, find rest in God;
 my hope comes from him.

6 Truly he is my rock and my salvation;
 he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.

7 My salvation and my honor depend on God;
   he is my mighty rock, my refuge.

8 Trust in him at all times, you people;
   pour out your hearts to him,
   for God is our refuge.

9 Surely the lowborn are but a breath,
   the highborn are but a lie.
   If weighed on a balance, they are nothing;
   together they are only a breath.

10 Do not trust in extortion
     or put vain hope in stolen goods;
     though your riches increase,
     do not set your heart on them.

11 One thing God has spoken,
     two things I have heard:
     “Power belongs to you, God,

12 and with you, Lord, is unfailing love”;
     and, “You reward everyone
     according to what they have done.”

I love verse 2, "Truly he is my rock and my salvation;

 he is my fortress, I will never be shaken".  I love this whole Psalm, but to think of my Father as a rock,  a big, immovable boulder and then a fortress--built with that strong rock.  How soul stirring is that.  How safe would you feel when you are under siege just knowing that nothing, no weapon, no words, no looks--absolutely nothing can get through to hurt you.  What a comfort.  

So tonight I will give this all to Jesus, my ROCK, my SALVATION, my FORTRESS, my REFUGE and I will move on...and tomorrow will be a better day.

Father in heaven,  I praise your HOLY NAME.  I thank you so much for Your word, for Your promises, for Your comfort You have written.  Father, I know I'm not the only one in the world who is struggling with unforgiveness, or any other sin, so Father, will you please help these dear ones and me, to really forgive, put it behind us.  Help us to move on Father and grow in Your grace.  I thank you for all You have done for me, but most of all I thank you for sending Your Son to die on the cross to save me.  I am so unworthy of such a magnificent gift,

In Jesus Name,

Amen 

What's in a Name

So, the name of this blog is a little misleading.  It is not a food blog, which explains why I haven't talked about food.

When I named this blog, I was going to blog about where I live here in the Umpqua Valley, a land truly flowing with milk and honey, but God had other plans.  Those plans worked right into the title.  How do you ask?  Let me tell you.

The phrase flowing with milk and honey makes me think of God's word, particularly a verse which would go great with a blog about the Umpqua Valley.  It is Numbers 13:27:  "Then they told him, and said: ""We went to the land where you sent us.  It truly flows with milk and honey, and this is its fruit.""  This is the account of when Moses sent the twelve spies to spy out the land God had promised them.  Unfortunately for them it took them another 40 years to get there, but that is a different post, and maybe I'll throw a little Umpqua Valley in there too.

Anyway, there are other references to milk and honey in the Bible that talk more about God and Jesus and how we can grow from His word.

Let's start with Psalm 119:103-"How sweet are your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth".  Have you felt that way after reading God's word.  I have.  I love reading His word, studying His word, and thinking on His word.  It is like having a good meal with a sweet treat thrown in (and I said this wasn't a food blog, lol).

How about 1 Peter 2:1-3- "Therefore, laying aside all malice, all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and all evil speaking, as newborn babes desire the pure milk of the word, that you may grow thereby, if indeed you have tasted that the Lord is gracious".

Just as an invite, Psalm 34:8-"Oh taste an see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who trusts Him.  These verses just make me want to shout GLORY HALLELUJAH!

Feasting on His word, resting in His promises, knowing how much He loves and cares for us.  OH GLORY!

Now that is a land flowing with milk and honey, God's Word.

Father,
I thank you for Your word.  I thank you that You said it would not return void.  Fill our hearts with Your love.  Guide us as we read Your word and learn to feast on it.

In Jesus Name
Amen.