CHANGE

Change. Normally I like change. The changes over the last year...I don't like. To catch you up, last spring my husband was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. That was earth shattering and brought a lot of changes. I had to go back to work, my grandson had to go into childcare/preschool full time, and we, or course, wanted to spend as much time with my husband as possible. Then in September, September 7th to be exact, we said goodbye to my husband. It has been rough. We miss him more than words can say, but he is now healed and with Jesus.

So, things were moving along and then the coronavirus hit. Wow! Talk about stressful. I work in a preschool/childcare center. One day we are business as usual and then boom, very few children at school. We didn't know if we were going to be able to stay open. I am now my only source of income so this was so scary. Then of course the shutdown of the state came. My boss was on top of things and we were declared an emergency childcare center. A lot of our teachers took a furlough but I was able to stay. There were changes it seemed like daily. Even how we did childcare/preschool changed. We stayed open, but a lot of changes. I am beginning to not really like change. 

Throughout all this craziness I have felt like I should move back to Montana. With my husband gone my sense of home has gone. We had plans and this was our home, together. I have my kids, but Kenny was my best friend. As long as he was with me I really didn't care where we were. He was my home. So, I am going back to really simple living, homesteading as it were right here where I am. I have always wanted to do this, not always where I lived. When we moved from the farm we chose to live in town but we still kept it pretty simple, but it wasn't the same as in the country. We even thought about moving to the country quite a few times. The close friends we have chosen or been lead to have always lived in the country, so we kind of lived vicariously through them. Now, I want to go back to living in the country, raising animals, and keeping it simple. It is calling me. My mom, dad, brother, sis-in-law and nephew live there and a bit more family. I am feeling more of a connection there than here. So we will see where God leads in this.

Now, those who read this blog know I am a follower of Christ. I seek God for guidance. I trust God to be my help. He has helped me. He has brought me through the death of my husband, going back to work, the coronavirus, and keeping the preschool open. He has been there every second. I feel like He is leading me back to Montana, but slowly. I am not just packing up and heading out. My daughter wants to go as well. She has to finish college. My son wants to go and he has to get some things finished up. We need to do a little upkeep on the house so we can sell it. I like to charge in and go, but right now God is saying wait. So I will wait and trust and believe that if God leads me to Montana or to stay here He will be with me every moment and will do what is best for me.

So, I am taking up this blog again. It may be changing some. I will still be talking about my faith and growth in Christ and for now the Umpqua Valley, but this will also include things on homesteading from my urban homestead and eventually, possibly my country homestead. I will be sharing what I know and teaching and sharing what I am learning because even though my husband and I homesteaded for a long time, there were some things we didn't do or know how to do that I am learning to do. Boy, that is a lot of do's, but that is what I am going to do...do! So, you can find me on Facebook and Instagram as Simply Milk-n-Honey and my daughter and I are going to start a YouTube channel so we can document our journey and share what we know with others.

Change...it is exciting, scary, heartbreaking at times, sometimes fast and sometimes slow. It happens, every day whether we want it to or not, but one thing is true...God never changes. He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow and I will trust in that.

                                                                       Blessings,

                                                                        Beth

Failure

Sometimes I still feel like crying, a lot.  I can control it now, but I don't always want to.  Sometimes I just want to sit in a quiet corner and cry and pour my heart out to my LORD, my heavenly Father.  I don't think it is the SAD, I think it is grief.  Grief over what I have lost.  Grief over my failure.  In fact, I feel like a failure.  I feel like I not only let myself down, but a lot of other people as well.  Now in my head, I know it wasn't all me, but in my heart I feel it is true.  Yes there are some things I should have done and said differently many months ago, but choices were made for me that I had no control over.  Even if I had said things differently the events would have still taken place.  I had no control over that.  So, why do I internalize it and turn all back on me.  That I don't understand.

Every day I am reminded about my failure.  Every day I see someone else doing what I love to do.  Every day more and more is taken from me.  Every day the voices in my head get louder, telling me I'm worthless, I'm a failure.  My heart breaks because I lost what I loved and was passionate about. BUT, all that self-talk, those voices in my head are lying to me.  I am NOT worthless.  I am NOT a failure.  My Father tells me I am fearfully and wonderfully made, that I am made in His image.  Hebrews 2: 6-7 says, "But one in a certain place testified saying, what is man, that thou art mindful of him? or the son of man that thou visitist him? (7) Thou hast made him a little lower than the angels; thou crownedst him with glory and honour, and did set him over the works of thy hands".  How can I be worthless or a failure if God did that for me?

In Romans 8:28 tells me, "and we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose".  There is a reason this mess happened, several reasons, and me being a failure isn't one of them.  I may have failed to listen to God as well as I should have, but we have become even closer as I cling to Him for comfort and strength.  And He does comfort me.  Through His word, through songs, through this beautiful place I live, He comforts me.  

Through this situation that I have been placed in, God has been faithful.  He has shown me small things that are really quite amazing when you think about them, like this next picture.

Believe it or not this is a snail trail.  Who knew snails were musical, God does.  This helps me see that God is in control.  He cares for me.  He LOVES me.  He loves ME.  So, that means I need to stifle those nasty voices in my head, which isn't easy.  We have, after all, been together for a very long time.  But I need to listen to God's voice, follow His lead, wherever it takes me, because that is going to be the most awesome journey I will ever take.

Father,
I love You so much.  You make my heart so full.  How marvelous are Your works.  Thank You for showing me these small things.  Thank You for lightening my heart.  Thank You for loving Me, even when I am unloveable.  Father, direct my every step to walk on Your path.  Guide my heart.  Renew Your Holy Spirit in me each day.  Father, help me to stop listening to the wrong voices.  Please help me to not only believe in You, but believe You.  I praise Your Holy Name.

In Jesus Name,
Amen

The Unseen

SAD, seasonal affective disorder.  I have it and it does make you sad.  Sometimes very sad and you don't understand why, and neither does anyone else.  No, this is not going to be a poor me blog.  Why?  Because I am not the only person with SAD, or the only person with any problem.  There are a lot of you out there that are going through some very tough times.  So, I am not going to "whoa is me" you.  I want to offer help, comfort, understanding, a listening ear.

It is disheartening to feel so blue and have no one understand what is going on (me included).  To have people think you are a drama queen, having a bad day (that turns into weeks), a crybaby.  Do you know what  I mean?  There are so many illnesses out there that effect not only our bodies, but our emotions and personalities as well.  There are no scars or sores or marks of any kind.  They are invisible.  They are inside our bodies like those cancer cells growing, our brain chemicals that are not being produced in the right amounts, our nerves that send pain signals to our brain.

Now I'm no doctor and I can't fix what you are going through anymore than I can fix myself, but I do have words of comfort.

So, after I have let you read this far let me say, I am a Christian.  A born-again believer in Christ Jesus.  He is my comfort.  When I am sad he tells me "casting all your cares upon Him for He cares for you."  1 Peter 5:7.(KJV)  Easier said than done.  I know He cares for me, but do I immediately feel better after reading that?  No.  It takes more than just reading the words, it takes listening for that still small voice that says, "Beth, I've got your back.  I'm here and I understand what you are going through.  Trust me".  Trust Him and that peace that passes all understanding will come, no matter what you are going through.

Will we always be healed, miraculously or otherwise?  No.  Has God inflicted us?  No.  It says in James 1:17, "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows". (NIV)  So our pain and sorrow is not from God.  He gives us good gifts.  Can He use our pain and suffering?  You bet.  Romans 8:28 tells us, "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose". (KJV)  So, if you are reading this and have given your life to Christ, then you are called according to His purpose and He will use your trials to strengthen you and refine you.

If you have not given your life to Christ, it isn't hard.  It is an act of faith, of accepting His free gift of salvation.  How do you do it?  Romans 10 : 9-10 explain it very well, "That if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.  10.  For with the heart one believes unto righteousness, and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation". (NKJV)

If you are ready to trust Jesus please pray this prayer:

Dear God,
I am a sinner, I've done things that weren't right and I'm sorry.  Please forgive me God for all that I have done.  God, I believe that Jesus is Your son, that He was crucified, buried three days, and rose from the dead on the third day.  I believe that He is now sitting at Your right hand.  I believe that His blood has covered my sins.  God, I give my life to you.  In Jesus Name Amen.

If you prayed the prayer, leave a comment, I would love to hear about it.  If you are already a believer, leave a comment, I would love to hear your story.  If you just want to leave nasty remarks, don't leave a comment.  If you do, I will delete it.

A new adventure awaits.  What will it be?  I don't know, but God is constantly surprising and amazing me on a daily basis.

                                                                              Beth